When Your Submissive Has Borderline Personality Disorder

by Del

· Find and participate in a support group for partners of people with BPD. It is a challenging experience, especially when your partner is currently symptomatic. Learn all you can about the disorder, what the markers are.

· Find and maintain a strong sense of who you are and what you believe in. It sounds unrelated, but people with BPD, especially ones in power dynamics, will actively rewrite history to fit their current perception of a person, place, or thing. This is not meant to be deceptive or manipulative; it's actually a coping mechanism so they can see the same person as benevolent/good and abusive/bad. This will no doubt come into play in a D/s or M/s relationship. Know that when they rebel and say they hate you, it feels very real and very immediate to them, and that they can only remember times when you were mean to them or misused their trust/submission. Gently remind them of good times when you were benevolent and trustworthy, while still listening to what they are saying and dealing with the trigger that caused the switch.

· Emerging research is saying that the majority of people diagnosed with BPD are survivors of abuse, either parental or peer, and that the markers are actually maladaptive coping mechanisms. Encourage your submissive to be actively engaging in recognizing the ties (if any) between their desires as a submissive and their healing process as a survivor.

· One of the most difficult aspects of having BPD is that few medications do much to treat it. Be patient with your sub and listen when they tell you a drug isn't working if they've been taking it for longer than a week. This often translates into frustration with the entire therapeutic process -- seeing a counselor, going to peer groups, etc. If it is within your power dynamic, encourage/demand your submissive to be actively pursuing some sort of therapy until the therapist releases them. BPD can and does go into remission; people with BPD who say they are in remission still struggle with symptoms from time to time. It's usually better to err on the side of caution and ask them to be engaged in some form of process if they're actively symptomatic to the point where it's interfering with your relationship.

· Authority is both intoxicating and frightening to a submissive with BPD. Take your role seriously; do what you can to be worthy of the role. Own your mistakes, and actively encourage feet of clay. Be aware that they will go out of their comfort zones to keep you happy -- including losing their identity in the process. Remind them about aspects of themselves that you particularly like or are attracted to, to help them keep a handle on who they are and what makes them special.

· Be prepared for your relationship to grow and change in short, traumatic spurts sometimes. Borderlines like to play with roles and identity, and may want a few months off from the collar if that's where they're headed. Personal experience has found that having a power agreement with a lot of freedom gives the Borderline permission to explore new identities while maintaining their position as a submissive or slave.

· Self Injury: It happens. It is not a gauge of how "successful" you are as a Master, Owner, or Top when your Submissive engages in this behavior or not. SI tends to be a marker of deeper issues, and it may be useful for you to write into your agreement that incidents of SI are always met with discussion and wound care first, behavioral correction later. For most, it is an incredibly private and deeply embarrassing behavior, so it is a sign of intimacy and trust if they feel comfortable discussing it with you. Rarely does bouts of SI indicate actual plans of suicide, but if you see evidence of both it's time for professional intervention.

· Borderlines suffer from impulsivity, usually in areas that are self-destructive. They may find it useful in power exchanges if you become the Master of those domains. If they tend to max out their credit cards as a coping mechanism, make it so that all credit card charges that aren't living-expense related must obtain permission. If you are in a swinging or poly relationship, and sex impulsivity is an issue, make it an agreement that you must meet and approve all of sex partners of your sub. This is one of the most healing, helpful ways a Master can support a submissive dealing with these issues.