Care and Handling of the Autistic-Spectrum-Disorder S-Type

by Raven Kaldera & Joshua Tenpenny

Social Skills

This is reprinted from Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunctionedited by Del Tashlin & Raven Kaldera.

Raven:

Another classic hallmark of ASD is difficulty with socializing. Their neurological wiring is flawed when it comes to mentally interpreting people’s clues of body language, facial expression, tone of voice, clothing choices, phrasing, etc. Understanding and utilizing those clues themselves, to communicate with others, is also not an option. Neurotypical people learn this unconsciously in childhood, because our brains are wired to do so, but ASD folks don’t have the same wiring. This leaves many of them feeling as if they are aliens, attempting to figure out some telepathic language that everyone else is speaking, and expecting them to speak as well. That’s why they are often referred to as “dorky”, “geeky”, “weird”, and sometimes “creepy” from people who are put off or made uncomfortable by their unusual behavior.

Some Aspie folks, however, have applied themselves to learning this alien language well enough to more-or-less understand and use it, because it can be learned intellectually, studied like one would study Japanese or Swahili. (Of course, it would be much simpler for them if there was actual instruction available as easily as taking a class in Japanese, but society isn’t quite there yet.) They “pass” as normal, if perhaps slightly stilted or reserved or “old-fashioned”, and can even be charismatic. What we don’t see is that it costs them a great deal of focus and energy, and they can’t do it 24/7, or perhaps even 12/7. Joshua has learned, painfully, a lot of good observation and social-affect skills, and most people think that he’s charming when he’s out with me (or at least “charmingly dorky”), but I know what that constant consciousness of body motions, tone of voice, and word choice is costing him. I know that he can’t keep it up on a round of involved public social interactions, starting in the morning and ending in the wee hours, with no breaks.

That noted, I would not set him up for failure in this way, and I always assume for periods of rest and down time for him during public event weekends. (The fact that I have a second boy now is a great relief for him; if he’s in no shape to go to a public party after a whole day of loud events where he is expected to be socially smooth, I can always take the other boy.) One hallmark of many ASD folks - including high-functioning ones who are just having a hard day - is the loud, flat staccato voice with no apparent affect. When that voice starts coming out of Joshua, I know that he is “all out of charming”, as he puts it, and needs to go be alone for a while.

I also accept that one of my jobs is to brief him on acceptable behavior in new or non-standard venues, and to stop him (often with coded pre-chosen verbal or gestural cues) if his behavior becomes unacceptable. On a less skillful or more overstimulated day, he might back someone into a corner while monologuing about some obsessive interest of his, not noting their desperate, fixed smile that (clearly only to someone neurotypical) longs to get away. It’s my job to step in at that point and break up the interaction in some face-saving way for everyone, and then carefully go over it later so that we can figure out if there was any way he could have noticed. Sometimes there isn’t, especially when he doesn’t have enough resources on line to be aware of it; at that point, we talk about ways to head that state off at the pass.

Joshua:

It is incredibly embarrassing for me to misjudge social circumstances, or say something that ends up being hurtful, or corner someone to babble endlessly at them about something I genuinely but mistakenly thought they had expressed interest in. I strongly prefer both that my master cue me about my behavior, and that he do it subtly so as not to embarrass me further. It’s also more practical that way, because I don’t want people making excuses for my inappropriate behavior. I’d rather just behave appropriately.

The idea of formal protocol - a well-defined set of behaviors - had great appeal for me when I got into M/s. I liked the idea that I could be told exactly what to do or say, and if I misstepped, it would immediately be explained and corrected. Sadly, my master is not very interested in formal protocol (which often seems to be bottom-driven in many cases, from what I’ve seen). A very formal situation with strict manners, where people are not allowed to act casually and do what they like, is - once I know the rules - actually much easier for me. It’s the casual socializing that is hard for me, because the wider range of acceptable behaviors makes it harder for me to guess what not to do.

Early on in our relationship, my master made a rule that I aside from a few specific friends, I was not allowed to touch women (and yes, he had to then clarify that sniffing them or sitting too close counted), especially in casual, touchy, flirtatious social situations. The problem wasn’t that I was making awkwardly inappropriate attempts to flirt with women (I prefer older men sexually), but even affectionate touching from a man is a loaded minefield. It was very easy for me to misjudge what kind of physical contact was acceptable in those situations, and when I was younger I did some very inappropriate things. While those were innocent mistakes on my part, they were entirely unacceptable, so the safest course of action for me was to cope with being seen as a little uptight, as opposed to being freer with people and risking someone feeling violated because of our interaction.

Because I need to pay so much more attention to social rules (or risk being wildly inappropriate), I end up being very uncomfortable seeing my master violate social rules, even though I know that he’s much more skillful at assessing that risk than I am. I also become uncomfortable when he puts me in situations where I am on the edge of risking social deviance. My fears make my social behavior limits much more conservative. Some people like to say, “I don’t care what people think,” but if I thought that way, I’d have no friends, no job, and no master. Me in my natural state just doesn’t work in the world (although my master is OK with it to a certain extent in private with him). My master is one of those people who doesn’t care, but he knows how to maneuver on that edge. I don’t have the skill to find that middle ground, and even though I know he’s good at it, it still makes me nervous.

Continued: Structure & Rules